Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
