i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
