She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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