Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
