TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
