I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
