Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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