Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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