I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
