the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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