i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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