My liver just broke up with me...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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