Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
