shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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