That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
