i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
