i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
