Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize