my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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