I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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