God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
