good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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