Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
