when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
