when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
