Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
