I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize