Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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