we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
