I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
