why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
