somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
