I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
