dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize