I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
