I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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