im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
