I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
