I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
