you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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