Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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