U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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