my phone needs a breathalizer
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
