You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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