I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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