I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
