i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
