Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
