I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
