I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This couple is walking their pig around campus
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
