Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
