god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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