Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
