I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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