Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
