Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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