Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
