meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
