Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
