Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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