P.S. I can't hear my feet
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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