Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
