The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you had me at cake vodka
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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