just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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