My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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