Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize