i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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