life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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